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Don’t Let Go

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I worry about my sister. I worry about my parents. I worry about my kitten. I worry about my job.  I worry about money. I worry about my boyfriend when he’s on his motorcycle. I worry about losing things I love.  ID-10087041
Whatever the worry of the day is I always feel like I have to hold on to it in my mind or it will come true. As if my thinking about it can make it not happen. I must maintain focus on it like a security guard who endlessly travels the halls of a building or tediously stares at monitors, so that the thought doesn’t become a reality. And if I let go, if let my guard down, the evil intentions of fate might intervene and tragedy will certainly ensue. However irrational, I remain convinced that my repetitious quashing of the horrible images in my head will somehow fend off the attack of fate. I’m not sure when in the course of my life I decided I have this amazing power. Some call it “magical thinking.” So maybe when Olivia Newton John sang, “…have to believe we are magic…” I simply believed her. I was probably 12 when I first heard that, which is the ripest age to set in illogical beliefs. Now that I’m 44, (halfway grown-up) I logically I know it cannot be real. But emotionally it is as real to me as any other feeling or thought process I have.
As if this horribly burdensome power isn’t enough, it also painfully compounded with the need, well more accurately, an almost primal compulsion to worry about something. So when I think there’s nothing wrong at the moment, I begin to panic because I’m wondering what I’m missing. What is it that I have forgotten or I don’t know about yet that I should be worrying about?  ID-100134005
Because if I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to be worrying about how could I possibly save anyone or anything with my super powers of destiny control?  If I don’t think about it or think ahead to all of the things that could go wrong in the path of everyone and everything I care about then it will be my fault when the shit hits the fan. Then I get to endure the mental anguish of the loss plus the guilt, so I must not let go. Must not. Don’t let go. Can’t.
I’ve read enough forums, blogs, books and medical journals to know that I’m not alone in this plight, and that with the right counseling and commitment to working on it, these thoughts can be reduced. I am not convinced they can be 100% eliminated for one’s entire future. Who could make that claim anyhow?  What I do know is that there are some exercises that can actually help.
First, you must take care of your physical body. And the foundation of that is sleep. Most people will tell you nutrition is first, and it kind of is, but really, if you don’t sleep well, you will make bad choices, including what to eat or not eat. So we start with sleep as our first building block in the defense to this (and most) kinds of anxiety.  If you don’t sleep well, exercise is excellent, but who has the energy to workout when they’ve had a crappy sleep?  So, if you ask your doctor for a sleep aid, or about holistic alternatives, it might help. I take an herbal supplement called SuperSnooze. If I remember to take it early enough, like 3 hours before bedtime, I can wake up with no grogginess. Ask your doctor if that might work for you too.
Secondly, eating the right food and on a schedule can really help. Both our body and our mind become weaker without the proper nutrition.  Imagine how you’d feel if you didn’t sleep, refused to eat right (or at all) and your immune system is unable to fend off the flu. Now, you are hungry, tired, stuffy, achy and worried about everything. You would be a huge pile of horribleness.  The most healthy diet I’ve found, that promotes clarity, health and energy is the raw vegan diet. Of course, most people won’t give up their meat, let alone get used to having nothing cooked or baked. A good balanced diet will include more veggies than anything. I am absolutely opposed to the all-meat or high-protein diet for several reasons. First, your body becomes laden with animal fats. Meat and fats can get stuck in your intestines for a very long time and ferment. The body will then have difficulty digesting other foods, which means lower nutrition. You may be full and functioning, but your body is nowhere near it’s highest potential. Further, diets high in protein have been shown time and time again to cause cancer and heart disease.
Third, I know everyone says this, and when you are anxious and/or depressed, the last thing you might want to do is get up and move, but – you have to. You have to get up and do anything physical. Stretch, do a few yoga poses, walk to your mailbox 4 times and back. Do anything that gets a little blood flow going. You’d be surprised how little it takes to kick up some endorphins and improve your mental state within minutes. Again, check with your doctor before starting any new diet or exercise program.  ID-10083133
Fourth, we must know, deep down, and really own this thought, and believe it thoroughly, and I say we because you, the reader and I, the writer both need to get this: We are NOT God. We are not any kind of superior being the wields the power of fate, or destiny or has control over the actions of others in any way. To really believe we can is pure folly.Why do we think that way? Well, we probably didn’t come to this conclusion in the first place out of arrogance (as some who don’t understand us might think). We developed it over time, through countless hours of worry, guilt and the refusal to accept the unknown. This is an important point, because it is going to be uncomfortable at first, to realize that you really have no control over others, whether you lock your brain on them or not.  However, once you really get this, and know there’s nothing you can do about it, it becomes a new freedom. You don’t have to worry, because it’s simply out of your control.  One of my favorite Authors, Douglas Adams calls it an SEP. This is short for someone else’s problem.  I like it. Not everyone’s path is my problem. Not every scenario that might suck is my problem. Only the ones that actually arise, that I myself can actually fix are my problems. And they are much fewer than our minds like to trick us in to believing. This new way of thinking is lighter, easier and much more realistic.

 

 

 

Physiology of Fear

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Have you ever wondered what happens to your body when you have a sudden flash of worry or fear?  It’s not just your thoughts that change. Your entire brain chemistry changes, and so does your body. Our brain and body react in the same way to “perceived” fear and actual danger. Let me give you some examples.
For our first scenario, let’s say you are standing outside on the curb and a paper bag catches some wind, speeds toward you, and from the corner of your eye, you see something rather big flying at you fast – your heart skips a beat, you duck, scrunch your eyes shut and raise your arm to protect yourself.  The bag sails past, never having touched you, but the threat was real. You look up, realize what it was, and say “Whoa, that stupid paper bag scared the shit outta me!”  ID-10044165
The whole incident lasted just for a few seconds, but now all sorts of things have happened to your body. You are breathing deeper now, and your muscles are tense.  Your adrenal glands have flooded adrenalin into your blood stream. Other stress hormones have been released also, like norepinephrine and cortisol. All of which will keep you awake and alert, and possibly a bit sensitive to sounds and visual stimulus (or even paranoid) for hours.  Yes, it was the “flight or fight” response.  This was a normal response for anyone.
The second scenario involves no outward stimulus. No loud noises, no flying bags, no creaking doorways or tornado warnings on the news. It’s just you and your mind.  You are at home, making dinner, when your mind wanders to your actions earlier that day. You start thinking about that brilliant report you prepared and emailed to the senior execs for the meeting tomorrow, and suddenly freeze (stir fry be damned). Did you remember to update the spreadsheet?
 You sit down to focus and think for a second, as your heart starts to pound. Did you remember to run spell check? OMG, if you distribute incorrect data, you could look very stupid, earn the distrust of your boss or even lose your job!  OMG OMG OMG… but… wait… now that you think about it, you did update the spreadsheet and did run spell check, right before your lunch date arrived.  ID-10076375
He must have distracted you from the task you had just performed, enough that you would later forget that you did it. But you remember now. Whew. Ok then, don’t you feel better. However, how is your body and brain chemistry reacting now?  Exactly the same as with the flying paper bag.  You have triggered the release of many powerful chemicals in to your body, all from a single thought.
I hope this impresses on you the power of the mind.  This is why it is so important for us to gain control over our extreme anxiety and fear response, and “get our Zen on”.  ID-10044144

 

The Time of Your Life

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clock-1 As a chronic worry wort, how much of your life have you spent worried?  Is the grey space on this clock how much you spend each hour with anxious thoughts? It has been mine – or more.
calendar If you spend hours each day, you’ve likely wasted years of your life frozen in fear. Don’t feel bad,  you’re not alone. All of us who worry, are very good at burning through hour after torturous, non-productive, hour. But now, in this moment in time, is when we stop to reflect on that, and make it part of our past behavior. A habit we are committed to dumping.
clock-2 Make this a new goal: To be aware of how much time you allow yourself to spend brooding and worried.  You own your life. You control your mind. You deserve freedom from mental pain. It’s a simple goal, but far from easy. It takes practice, effort and repeated concentration on doing something unfamiliar – letting go, and moving the hell on with your real life. The life where you live in the present.
clock-3 For a few minutes, instead of worrying about anything, think about something fun or productive. What else could you be doing if you weren’t drowning in worry? Whatever you are worried about can wait, because if it’s a real issue, it will be there when you are done with your current productive task. Put it on a shelf and grab another item. If it’s a projected/potential problem, it can wait because you are able to handle anything that comes your way – when/if that happens. And trust me, it won’t. It will be ok – which means this potential problem can wait forever.
clock-4 Find something seriously engaging, and go to it. It will be hard at first, to focus, but mentally slap your thoughts back on track. Take each minute one at a time. You are a good person, you deserve to feel accomplished. What ever you are doing, do your best at it, and enjoy every moment. Indulge in this, and it will force you to feel better.
 clock-5 After you have completed your project, and realized that you can, to some extent, control your thoughts and feelings, and actually produce something great, you can puff up with pride and realize that you don’t need to worry. Yes, it’s a well beaten path, and this new one is narrow and hard to track, but the more you do it, the easier you will see it, follow it and spend more and more time there.

 

When in Doubt…

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So I’m sitting in traffic today, going over the past few days in my head. A long time build up of mutual resentments finally came to a vicious confrontation with an unethical woman who betrayed me and stole from me. I know I’m in the right, and she’s not, but her claws and teeth were out. It was harsh. So now, I am cloudy with this bad feeling like I’ve done something wrong, but I know I haven’t. I feel like a jerk, even though I didn’t do any of the things of which she accused me. I feel like something horrible is going to come out of it, even though the worst is most likely over. I’ve got on my shit-tinted glasses, so the whole world looks like crap to me. My self image is little more than a frownie face. Frown  I don’t wanna feel this way any more. As I drive, I begin to get angry, angry at her, angry at myself for letting her words penetrate my psyche and change how I feel about me. Hey, dammit – I control me, not she! I will choose to be happy right now. I begin to practice the live in the now technique. However, some seriously rude drivers along the way begin to taint the experience of “the now”, so I have to try something else. Maybe something new. I came up with this, and it worked for the rest of the day.

When you begin to doubt yourself or the future, try being arrogant. It’s probably not your normal style, certainly not your everyday ‘tude, but when you get in a state of worry, especially if it’s related to wondering if someone doesn’t like you, or wondering if someone or something is going to harm you, try this.

Don an arrogant attitude for a while. Why? You’ll see once I explain how to do it.
Here’s how:

  1. Be alone. No one needs to encounter your arrogance. If you’re new to it, you may overdo it, and it will likely give the wrong impression. (Or, it could be wicked funny. If that’s the case, good. It’s always our goal to generate a smile. Laughing)
  2. Write down what you’re worried about, or wondering about, even the vaguest and most whacked out ideas. Just give it 5 minutes, a quick little list.
  3. OK, now remember a movie or hero or any figures that were an unmitigated bad-ass and/or arrogant ass. Preferably choose a few who have an intimidating physical presence and intelligent verbal/dialog skills. A nice fictional persona might be a combination of Jesse Ventura and Bruce Lee, with a touch of Don Corleone, JR Ewing and James Bond. (Yes, I chose all men – but you choose whomever works for the purposes of this exercise)
  4. Now go back through your list with your new arrogant, take-charge, kick-it’s-ass, I-can-handle-whatever-comes-my-way attitude and address all your worries.
  5. Keep in mind, that you now fully trust yourself to deal with any and every given situation, should it actually arise, and you can not be defeated. Not only can you handle it ALL, but you deserve to come out on top, because you are after all, YOU. Keep writing until you’ve obliterated each item you wrote down, with your pompous thoughts, superior notions and deserving demeanor.
  6. Next, take a few look at your arrogant answers to all your troubles, and soak them in.  Feel smug. Smile at them.
  7. Now say a few arrogant mantras out loud.  Something like,  “I, _______ am a total bad ass and I can handle anything that comes my way. It’s all beneath me, all easy for me. I deserve all good things in life, cuz I’m awesome.” Repeat it until you believe it.
  8. Lastly, sit back and return to yourself. Your good-natured, balanced, kind self. As you do this, look over the answers the “arrogant” you wrote. Were they really so unrealistic?  Probably not, so remember that should the need arise, you’ve got the answers, a little cheat-sheet, as it were.  So, you can relax, exhale and smile.

Words Have Power

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I was thinking about the last episode of worry I had. The situation is resolved now, but because I told myself so many times how it could have turned out, the emotion still lingers when I think of that topic. I still feel a slight ping of anxiety just thinking about it, or seeing anything that reminds me of it, and then I have to tell myself that it’s over now.  “It’s over. It’s fine. It all turned out ok. Just calm down.”  *Exhale*

This lead me to a train of thought about how powerful words are. Not only words we say out loud, or to others, but even what we say in our head. And it’s not just that we’re self-talking, it’s the precise words we choose, and the emotions we attach to them as we repeat them over and over. This is especially true when we immediately jump to a particular conclusion. We are programming ourselves for an emotional and physical response. You may even call it brainwashing.  Even though my situation is resolved, I have put so much effort in to telling myself how bad it surely was going to turn out, that now it has the power to continue to scare me. Although, I’ve been actively using new, positive words to combat it, and it’s working.

My father told me many years ago, that you choose your mood. He said you also choose how to react to situations. For the most part, he was right. Actually, he’s entirely right, it’s just that it sounds much simpler than it is. If we choose to frame a given situation in our minds in an inflammatory, scary or negative way, then we give it the power to make us FEEL overwhelmed, scared and sad about it. The reality of the situation is completely different than what we’ve told ourselves, and the result is panic, worry, depression, etc. Once we realize that our perception actually affects our lives, we realize that we have to control it or it will ruin our lives.

We must not let this happen. Any time we come up against a situation we are disappointed with, or don’t know the outcome, we need to use the power of words to frame it in a way that will be beneficial, rather than harmful. Our mission is to challenge our usual negative thoughts with exactly opposite concepts. Even if you don’t believe it, explore the possible positive options, and give them room to take root in your mind, and grow. Practice with various situations of lesser import until you’ve gotten good enough to tackle the big stuff.  Here are some example scenarios to get you started.

• You haven’t heard from someone in a long while (and you think you should have) and you can’t reach them.
Before you begin to panic and imagine all manner of tragic ends for your loved one, run down the list of rational and likely reasons they are unavailable and/or late.
• They may have gotten caught up at work, by a collegue or client.
• Their cell phone might be set to silent or not within reach, or even out of battery.
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• A client or boss tells you that you’ve made a costly mistake and they are “freaking out” about it.
Before you decide that you’ll be ridiculed, fired or sued,
• You invited a friend or loved one to an event, and they blew you off or flat out lied with their excuse, or blatantly told you they aren’t interested.
It may hurt because you had an expectation of that person. But before you decide to “unfriend” them or tell them off, ask yourself why the event was so important to you – and why must it be that important to your friend as well? You likely projected your enthusiasm and importance for the event on to that person. Is it fair and reasonable to expect identical feelings from others?
• A friend says something that seems hurtful or insulting. You can’t understand why they aren’t “on your side” or why they think that way about you.
It may be your usual reaction to be angry, defensive or even cry. But before you get to that point ask yourself, does this person really mean me harm? Does he/she intend to belittle me or judge me?

 

 

 

 

Shut up, Just SHUT UP!!

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What if… what if… what if… what if…

My mind is racing at warp speed, asking variations on the same question with the bottom line answer being certain tragedy.  What if… what if…, omg, what if this, what if that?
An hour of this goes by and I’m frazzled. My palms are sweaty, my thighs are tired like I ran a marathon, I’ve had nervous shits like 6 times, so I have no nutrition left in my body, my mouth is dry, I’m trembling, finger tips tingly, my heart is pounding, and I look like I’ve just seen a ghost. I’ve been gritting my teeth so hard they hurt like I just chewed through a swing set at the park. And why? WHY?  All because my mind can NOT stop asking this question, “What if…”.

Dammit brain, would you just SHUT UP???

During this episode, did any of the “what if’s” come true? No. And because this was 3 weeks ago, has that situation played out and seen it’s tragic ending? No. Actually, nothing came of the event that I was so wiggy about, and nor did the thousands of other worst case scenarios before it.

So, in an effort to reduce my chronic suffering, I asked myself a new set of questions.

  1. First, answer the question: What if that horrible thing did happen?
    1. Well, I would handle it. I’d deal with it, and get through it. Nothing lasts forever.
  2. Second, what could I have been doing other than quivering like a scared chihuahua, and chopping years off my life span?
    1. I could have been working, napping, cleaning, exercising, reading, playing with the cat and the laser light, painting beach sunsets, etc. Anything productive, creative, fun or beneficial.
  3. Third, does my life belong to me, or to the worry?
    1. It’s mine, dammit! Life is for the living. I want all my time left to go toward enjoying it, not dreading it.
  4. Lastly, what can I do next time to avoid getting caught in this whirlwind of what-if’s?
    1. This required some investigation into how our brain works. Knowing how it works and why I started down this path is a small part of the solution. I found this article very helpful. It’s such a fascinating article, I’m now a bit distracted from my what if’s, but I know they’ll be back. I already know that part of the foundation of my asking “what if’s” is born from an earlier trauma. So if the memory has less of a hold on me from the start, maybe I don’t have to freak out about it. Now I’ve got something to research. Cool, we’re off to a good start.
    2.  The next task is to completely redirect my thoughts.  Telling yourself, “just don’t think about it” is useless. And when someone says that to a person like me, (with PTSD and GAD), they are in danger of being punched in the nose. When I begin my whirlwind of what-if’s (wowi’s, for short), I need an immediate and much stronger distraction. Something big and/or very intense needs to take it’s place. So here’s what I do:
      1. First, I leave the room I’m in, and get another view for my eyes and brain to process.  I mass text a bunch of  friends, “How you doin, what you up to?” I focus on waiting for their reply.
      2. If that doesn’t redirect my mind, I begin the “live in the now exercise”. I focus on that. If my mind wanders to the “what-if’s”, I go to yet another room, or stand outside.
      3. If no one texts back with anything distracting enough, I listen to my peace and calm affirmation and mantra MP3’s, that I recorded for myself. They really work for me a lot of the time. I focus on the meaning of each message, and breathe slowly. I usually close my eyes. I must listen to them 3 times before I am allowed to give up.  That’s my self-imposed rule.
      4. If none of this works, I grab my journal. (And yes, it’s a real notebook, made of paper. And a black ink pen. I’m not talking about blogging, and you’ll see why.) I begin to pour out my every thought and emotion. I describe how I feel, how I think things might play out, and how I feel about that. I allow myself to get angry about it. I write impossible scenarios. I get nuts on purpose. As I write more and more, I force myself to get even more angry and more ridiculous. Keep going, let it all out. Don’t filter a single thought, no matter how shitty and unjustified it is. As I become intentionally more livid and outrageous, the pen presses harder in to the page, and I write long-running tirades of colorful expletives. Now, I can’t even fit my writing on one line, or even write straight. I’ve taken up 3 pages already, like a lunatic. It’s GREAT!! I’m cursing and blaming and insulting this situation, myself, people who have nothing to do with it, commercials, politicians, whatever and whomever I please, and I continue do this until I become amused.   OK, now Stop.  Take a deep breath, now look back at some of the writing, mostly the last parts.  Ha ha! I have now given myself a chuckle, or even laughed to tears, while effectively trivializing the whole situation. And even though those feelings of amusement and triviality are thin and weak, while the what-ifs are still just around the corner with all the power of a black hole waiting to suck me in, I hold on to them as best I can, rereading the parts of my scribble I find most amusing.  It is at this point, I can almost always say, “Oh fuck it, I don’t care about that (whatever it was) anymore… it’ll be fine.”  My brain has finally shut up.

Please let me know if any of this helps you – or what YOU do to redirect your thoughts. : )

 

Loss is the Bottom Line

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As I sit and worry about the worry-du-jour, or for me, more like the worry de l’heure. (worry of the hour), I think, “what if…”.  The what if question feels like an end to itself, which is clearly the worst, most terrifying possibility it can be, and the end of all of life’s happiness, and I’m certain nothing will ever be good again and that feeling permeates every part of my body until I’m ill and exhausted. Images of the worst case scenarios play out in my brain like the most macabre of short-attention-span movies. What are the chances it’s actually the “level 10” tragedy I’m certain it is? More likely it’s a non-issue, a zero. Or, maybe it’s a level 2, a minor annoyance. Could be a level 6, which is a pretty high level of suck, and will involve time and effort to get over, through, fix, mend, heal, etc., but I can and will.

Despite the odds, my mind races with endless “what if’s…” What I fail to do, is actually answer that question…  What IF this thing happens? Answer the question. Well, if it does, I have to do this thing, or that thing, and possibly cry and mourn, and not to sound cold, but I will get through it. Whatever your worry is, you WILL get through it. Even if it is that most horrible, level 10 of all tragedies.

The Core of Worry

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Did you ever stop to think of WHY you worry?  We know from another article about loss, that it boils down to losing something, but why do we catastrophise this loss?At some place in your mind, born some time in your history, may be an underlying thought that you simply are not worthy of good things.  This in itself is not the root cause, either. It goes beyond that. At some point in your life, the thought either blossomed in your mind or someone gave you the notion that you don’t deserve to have the blessings that you have. Maybe you feel it’s a punishment from a childhood mistake, or maybe you wonder if it’s karma for sins of a past life. Either way, as your friend, I’m telling you that YOU DO DESERVE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE!  It’s ok to have good things, enjoy good things, and want to keep your good things. I give you permission.Right now, I want you to give yourself permission to have good things. Say this aloud:

I, (your name), am a worthy person, and deserve good things in life. I am allowed to keep them. I am grateful for all I have, and enjoy my time in this world.

You may change this mantra to suit you, but keep all words positive. Don’t use “no’s”, “not’s”, “can’ts”, etc.

It is beneficial that your brain hears and processes these words when you speak them aloud. It is not the same to say them just in your thoughts. Repeat this mantra daily or more. It will eventually sink in, and you will find that the power of the catastrophic worries and anxieties have less and less power.

Panic and Worry Triggers

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I have panic attacks or what I call “worry-waves” for many reasons. It feels like a sinking, sick feeling, with a dash of spinning out of control, a hint of falling 100 feet, and warm limbs. Sometimes its accompanied by flushing red on my chest and face. My mouth gets dry. My hands shake. Occasionally I feel weak and dizzy, and on extreme occasions, I can’t catch my breath and I experience chest pains.
In a word, it sucks.

Sometimes my worry wave comes on gradually, and sometimes it’s a sudden electrifying jolt. For instance, when you are up for your 1am popcorn frenzy and you see a scary face outside your window, only to realize that it’s your reflection, having forgotten to remove your makeup which has been rubbed and melted down your face and now very much resembles a cross between Alice Cooper and the Scream ghost face mask.

Some of my triggers are:

  • Seeing my family on latitude, in some place they aren’t supposed to be (which is almost always wrong, due to towers being inaccurate)
  • Reading an email, hearing a voice mail or directly listening to a pissed-off client
  • Learning that an expensive job has been rejected by the client, due to me/my staff error.
  • Going to the Dr. (for any reason)
  • Getting news that any family member is leaving town
  • Sometimes I can’t pin point exactly what or why… I just feel wiggy.

If I am able to quell my panic at all, it comes after learning that the problem has abated, and if I can’t immediately fix it, or get information that all is well, I have to have this long internal discussion with myself about how things will be ok, and no matter what, I have people in my life that will love and support me. Sometimes that works, and sometimes I just can’t shake the wiggins.

After the panic is finally gone, and there is no more threat, I can relax. Although, as with most chronic worriers, my mind turns to wondering what’s on the horizon, or even what may be horrible and tragic going on right now that I don’t yet know about. Still, even after it’s all said and done, my body responds for hours, with exhaustion, heightened sensitivity to others harsh words/tones, intolerance of criticism, jumping at loud noises, and lack of mental focus.

What triggers you? What physical symptoms do you experience? And what do you do to calm yourself?

My Crystal Ball

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There must be a crystal ball in my brain somewhere.  I know this because I continuously predict the future.  I spend hours and days knowing exactly what is going to happen. My crystal ball is like a good friend that enjoys giving me bad news. It shows me every tragic ending to every path me and my loved ones lives will take.

My crystal ball helps me not live in the now. It helps me dwell in the horrible, painful future, which is exciting, because it’s a true blessing to waste my life seeing every bad thing, instead of all the good I’m experiencing at this moment. Why would I possibly want to live in THIS moment? This moment where my family is alive and well, the internet is running just fine, my belly is full, the bills are paid, my ribs still hurt from the uproarious laughing with my sister at dinner. Misery, all of it, so why would I want to enjoy that?  No, that sounds just too peaceful for me and my crystal ball. I will allow my crystal ball to fill my mind and haunt my dreams, gripping me with such fear I am frozen from living any kind of life in reality or the present moment.

Thank you crystal ball, for wasting so much of my life.