So I’m sitting in traffic today, going over the past few days in my head. A long time build up of mutual resentments finally came to a vicious confrontation with an unethical woman who betrayed me and stole from me. I know I’m in the right, and she’s not, but her claws and teeth were out. It was harsh. So now, I am cloudy with this bad feeling like I’ve done something wrong, but I know I haven’t. I feel like a jerk, even though I didn’t do any of the things of which she accused me. I feel like something horrible is going to come out of it, even though the worst is most likely over. I’ve got on my shit-tinted glasses, so the whole world looks like crap to me. My self image is little more than a frownie face. I don’t wanna feel this way any more. As I drive, I begin to get angry, angry at her, angry at myself for letting her words penetrate my psyche and change how I feel about me. Hey, dammit – I control me, not she! I will choose to be happy right now. I begin to practice the live in the now technique. However, some seriously rude drivers along the way begin to taint the experience of “the now”, so I have to try something else. Maybe something new. I came up with this, and it worked for the rest of the day.
When you begin to doubt yourself or the future, try being arrogant. It’s probably not your normal style, certainly not your everyday ‘tude, but when you get in a state of worry, especially if it’s related to wondering if someone doesn’t like you, or wondering if someone or something is going to harm you, try this.
Don an arrogant attitude for a while. Why? You’ll see once I explain how to do it.
Here’s how:
I was thinking about the last episode of worry I had. The situation is resolved now, but because I told myself so many times how it could have turned out, the emotion still lingers when I think of that topic. I still feel a slight ping of anxiety just thinking about it, or seeing anything that reminds me of it, and then I have to tell myself that it’s over now. “It’s over. It’s fine. It all turned out ok. Just calm down.” *Exhale*
This lead me to a train of thought about how powerful words are. Not only words we say out loud, or to others, but even what we say in our head. And it’s not just that we’re self-talking, it’s the precise words we choose, and the emotions we attach to them as we repeat them over and over. This is especially true when we immediately jump to a particular conclusion. We are programming ourselves for an emotional and physical response. You may even call it brainwashing. Even though my situation is resolved, I have put so much effort in to telling myself how bad it surely was going to turn out, that now it has the power to continue to scare me. Although, I’ve been actively using new, positive words to combat it, and it’s working.
My father told me many years ago, that you choose your mood. He said you also choose how to react to situations. For the most part, he was right. Actually, he’s entirely right, it’s just that it sounds much simpler than it is. If we choose to frame a given situation in our minds in an inflammatory, scary or negative way, then we give it the power to make us FEEL overwhelmed, scared and sad about it. The reality of the situation is completely different than what we’ve told ourselves, and the result is panic, worry, depression, etc. Once we realize that our perception actually affects our lives, we realize that we have to control it or it will ruin our lives.
We must not let this happen. Any time we come up against a situation we are disappointed with, or don’t know the outcome, we need to use the power of words to frame it in a way that will be beneficial, rather than harmful. Our mission is to challenge our usual negative thoughts with exactly opposite concepts. Even if you don’t believe it, explore the possible positive options, and give them room to take root in your mind, and grow. Practice with various situations of lesser import until you’ve gotten good enough to tackle the big stuff. Here are some example scenarios to get you started.
• You haven’t heard from someone in a long while (and you think you should have) and you can’t reach them. Before you begin to panic and imagine all manner of tragic ends for your loved one, run down the list of rational and likely reasons they are unavailable and/or late. • They may have gotten caught up at work, by a collegue or client. • Their cell phone might be set to silent or not within reach, or even out of battery. • |
• A client or boss tells you that you’ve made a costly mistake and they are “freaking out” about it. Before you decide that you’ll be ridiculed, fired or sued, |
• You invited a friend or loved one to an event, and they blew you off or flat out lied with their excuse, or blatantly told you they aren’t interested. It may hurt because you had an expectation of that person. But before you decide to “unfriend” them or tell them off, ask yourself why the event was so important to you – and why must it be that important to your friend as well? You likely projected your enthusiasm and importance for the event on to that person. Is it fair and reasonable to expect identical feelings from others? |
• A friend says something that seems hurtful or insulting. You can’t understand why they aren’t “on your side” or why they think that way about you. It may be your usual reaction to be angry, defensive or even cry. But before you get to that point ask yourself, does this person really mean me harm? Does he/she intend to belittle me or judge me? |
What if… what if… what if… what if…
My mind is racing at warp speed, asking variations on the same question with the bottom line answer being certain tragedy. What if… what if…, omg, what if this, what if that?
An hour of this goes by and I’m frazzled. My palms are sweaty, my thighs are tired like I ran a marathon, I’ve had nervous shits like 6 times, so I have no nutrition left in my body, my mouth is dry, I’m trembling, finger tips tingly, my heart is pounding, and I look like I’ve just seen a ghost. I’ve been gritting my teeth so hard they hurt like I just chewed through a swing set at the park. And why? WHY? All because my mind can NOT stop asking this question, “What if…”.
Dammit brain, would you just SHUT UP???
During this episode, did any of the “what if’s” come true? No. And because this was 3 weeks ago, has that situation played out and seen it’s tragic ending? No. Actually, nothing came of the event that I was so wiggy about, and nor did the thousands of other worst case scenarios before it.
So, in an effort to reduce my chronic suffering, I asked myself a new set of questions.
Please let me know if any of this helps you – or what YOU do to redirect your thoughts. : )
As I sit and worry about the worry-du-jour, or for me, more like the worry de l’heure. (worry of the hour), I think, “what if…”. The what if question feels like an end to itself, which is clearly the worst, most terrifying possibility it can be, and the end of all of life’s happiness, and I’m certain nothing will ever be good again and that feeling permeates every part of my body until I’m ill and exhausted. Images of the worst case scenarios play out in my brain like the most macabre of short-attention-span movies. What are the chances it’s actually the “level 10” tragedy I’m certain it is? More likely it’s a non-issue, a zero. Or, maybe it’s a level 2, a minor annoyance. Could be a level 6, which is a pretty high level of suck, and will involve time and effort to get over, through, fix, mend, heal, etc., but I can and will.
Despite the odds, my mind races with endless “what if’s…” What I fail to do, is actually answer that question… What IF this thing happens? Answer the question. Well, if it does, I have to do this thing, or that thing, and possibly cry and mourn, and not to sound cold, but I will get through it. Whatever your worry is, you WILL get through it. Even if it is that most horrible, level 10 of all tragedies.
Did you ever stop to think of WHY you worry? We know from another article about loss, that it boils down to losing something, but why do we catastrophise this loss?At some place in your mind, born some time in your history, may be an underlying thought that you simply are not worthy of good things. This in itself is not the root cause, either. It goes beyond that. At some point in your life, the thought either blossomed in your mind or someone gave you the notion that you don’t deserve to have the blessings that you have. Maybe you feel it’s a punishment from a childhood mistake, or maybe you wonder if it’s karma for sins of a past life. Either way, as your friend, I’m telling you that YOU DO DESERVE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE! It’s ok to have good things, enjoy good things, and want to keep your good things. I give you permission.Right now, I want you to give yourself permission to have good things. Say this aloud:
I, (your name), am a worthy person, and deserve good things in life. I am allowed to keep them. I am grateful for all I have, and enjoy my time in this world.
You may change this mantra to suit you, but keep all words positive. Don’t use “no’s”, “not’s”, “can’ts”, etc.
It is beneficial that your brain hears and processes these words when you speak them aloud. It is not the same to say them just in your thoughts. Repeat this mantra daily or more. It will eventually sink in, and you will find that the power of the catastrophic worries and anxieties have less and less power.
I have panic attacks or what I call “worry-waves” for many reasons. It feels like a sinking, sick feeling, with a dash of spinning out of control, a hint of falling 100 feet, and warm limbs. Sometimes its accompanied by flushing red on my chest and face. My mouth gets dry. My hands shake. Occasionally I feel weak and dizzy, and on extreme occasions, I can’t catch my breath and I experience chest pains.
In a word, it sucks.
Sometimes my worry wave comes on gradually, and sometimes it’s a sudden electrifying jolt. For instance, when you are up for your 1am popcorn frenzy and you see a scary face outside your window, only to realize that it’s your reflection, having forgotten to remove your makeup which has been rubbed and melted down your face and now very much resembles a cross between Alice Cooper and the Scream ghost face mask.
Some of my triggers are:
If I am able to quell my panic at all, it comes after learning that the problem has abated, and if I can’t immediately fix it, or get information that all is well, I have to have this long internal discussion with myself about how things will be ok, and no matter what, I have people in my life that will love and support me. Sometimes that works, and sometimes I just can’t shake the wiggins.
After the panic is finally gone, and there is no more threat, I can relax. Although, as with most chronic worriers, my mind turns to wondering what’s on the horizon, or even what may be horrible and tragic going on right now that I don’t yet know about. Still, even after it’s all said and done, my body responds for hours, with exhaustion, heightened sensitivity to others harsh words/tones, intolerance of criticism, jumping at loud noises, and lack of mental focus.
What triggers you? What physical symptoms do you experience? And what do you do to calm yourself?
There must be a crystal ball in my brain somewhere. I know this because I continuously predict the future. I spend hours and days knowing exactly what is going to happen. My crystal ball is like a good friend that enjoys giving me bad news. It shows me every tragic ending to every path me and my loved ones lives will take.
My crystal ball helps me not live in the now. It helps me dwell in the horrible, painful future, which is exciting, because it’s a true blessing to waste my life seeing every bad thing, instead of all the good I’m experiencing at this moment. Why would I possibly want to live in THIS moment? This moment where my family is alive and well, the internet is running just fine, my belly is full, the bills are paid, my ribs still hurt from the uproarious laughing with my sister at dinner. Misery, all of it, so why would I want to enjoy that? No, that sounds just too peaceful for me and my crystal ball. I will allow my crystal ball to fill my mind and haunt my dreams, gripping me with such fear I am frozen from living any kind of life in reality or the present moment.
Thank you crystal ball, for wasting so much of my life.